


and it is as clear as the windows i came through

by catsinouterspace



Series: you found religion when you found out you could fall [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean's Internalised Masculinity Bulshit is Referred To, Gen, John sucks, Non-binary character, Pre-Canon, Queer Themes, Questioning, Trans Character, hair cuts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:42:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29480127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsinouterspace/pseuds/catsinouterspace
Summary: Sam started growing out his hair when he was nine. It hadn't really been a conscious choice to begin with. John was the one who usually cut their hair; but Dean was older now, and the time John was out on hunts stretched out for months at a time, broken only by a few harried phone calls from the man; a brief assurance that it wasn’t John’s turn to be salted and burnt quite yet.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: you found religion when you found out you could fall [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161626
Kudos: 15





	and it is as clear as the windows i came through

Sam started growing out his hair when he was nine. It hadn't really been a conscious choice to begin with. John was the one who usually cut their hair; once every two months he’d bring out the clippers and all three of them would get identical haircuts. But Dean was older now, officially a teenager. As such, he was deemed capable of taking on more responsibility, of looking after himself and Sam for longer periods of time. Before then, the time John would leave them alone in a hotel room while he chased after some monster only lasted a couple of days, a week max if things got really hairy. Now though, the time without John stretched out for months at a time, broken only by a few harried phone calls from the man; a brief assurance that it wasn’t John’s turn to be salted and burnt quite yet.

Sam’s hair seemed to grow out quicker than the others and it wasn’t long before the wispy ends of his fringe were falling into his face. Sam brushed his hair away but it would just fall straight back into his eyes as he tried to study whatever textbook was in front of him. Sam had gone to Dean.

“Sure thing, Sammy.” Dean had plugged the clippers into the bathroom’s wall. Sam sat in a green plastic chair they’d taken off the porch of the motel room staring at himself in the mirror as the clippers buzzed to life. Dean pursed his lips, examining the mop of brown hair on his brother’s head. He’d seen his father do this hundreds of times so it couldn’t be too hard, just had to start with the sides and... “Oh fuck.”

“What did you do?” Sam leapt up, desperately twisting around, trying to see the back of his head in the mirror.

“Sammy, it’s fine, I’ll just make the other side even.” Dean reassured him.

Sam couldn’t see the damage in the mirror, instead running his hand up over his head to feel a distinctly bald patch. His mouth gaped open in horror.

“Come on Sam, if you don’t let me make it even it’ll grow back all weird.”

Sam conceded the point, after all it couldn’t get much worse.

For the next month Sam wore a beanie everywhere he went no matter how hot it got. The next time John was on an extended hunt Sam just let his hair grow out, by the time John got back it reached the back of his neck.

"Where are the clippers?" John had asked Dean, ignoring Sam even though it was his hair. Sam crossed his arms, he wasn't some fucking sheep that was going to be shaved and clipped when it suited his master; wasn't going to be some sacrificial lamb that followed blindly along. 

"I'm not cutting it." Sam said balefully. 

"What?" John said. 

"I'm not cutting it." Sam said each word very slowly over pronouncing them. 

"Are you serious?" John asked, he was met with a resounding silence. John shrugged, "If you want to look like a girl that's your choice." 

Sam knew he was meant to not want that, knew to the core of his being that nothing should be so insulting as being compared to a girl but... Sam doesn't feel insulted. At least when it wasn’t meant to be an insult; the lady at the library turning towards the other librarian and asking if she knew anything about pagan lore because this young lady had a school project on it, the cashier at the grocer, the man on the street whose dog Sam stopped to pat, the waiter at the diner that looked like it hadn't had a food safety check in the last decade. Dean gave Sam shit for it every time he saw it happen, but Sam just shrugged it off. Being called a girl by a stranger left Sam feeling odd, but not in a bad way. He felt like he was getting away with something. 

Of course, then Sam turns twelve and he grows. And grows. And grows and grows and grows and grows. Every time Dean turns to talk to Sam, he starts speaking to his chest before reminding himself that he has to look up now. 

"You know it's disrespectful to be so tall when you’re my _little_ brother, right?" Dean jokes when he has to crane his neck upwards.

Sam just rolls his eyes and patronisingly ruffles Dean’s hair.

Sam was too tall, his voice too deep, shoulders too broad, and the hint of facial hair kept anyone from second guessing his gender. Sam could be fucking _Rapunzel_ and no one was going to call him a girl. It didn't matter, not really, after all Sam _wasn't_ a girl. He was pretty damn sure of that. Sam just wishes he felt more sure of the whole being a boy thing. Sam reasons that he'd probably feel more like a boy if Dean wasn't the catalyst he had to base gender off. 

Sam's brother treated being a man like a game; a game he was determined to win. He was far too young to drink but some fake IDs later and he's all beer and whiskey because anything else is for girls; he's hair no longer than an inch because anything else is basically getting a sex change; the brightest colour in his wardrobe is a dark maroon because anything brighter and he may as well be making out with another dude, he's muscle cars, mullet rock and no chick flick moments. So that's probably why Sam doesn't really feel like a man; and he knows there are other ways to be a man of course, and surely Sam will find one of them that fits right. He'll get out of here and finally be in a world where John and Dean would be considered freaks, not him and then everything would just settle into place and he wouldn’t feel like he’s trying to squish himself into a man shaped hole. At least that’s what he tells himself.


End file.
